How big you want your family to be can cause a friction in most marriages. Opinions on this topic vary greatly. It should be taken into consideration how old the spouses are, what the financial situation is, how many children they already have, and many more.
“We are a family of four now. We have two girls, ages six and two. I grew up in a family with two brothers and two sisters, whereas my husband has only one younger brother. This is a considerable difference in family background. For me, the idea of a family is the one with many members. I was always thinking about having many kids. On the other hand, my husband just didn’t agree with this. “
When this question arises, usually the spouse that has positive memories about childhood and has a good communication with siblings, he or she will certainly want to have a similar family and thus more children. The childhood that was unpleasant has a deeply negative impact, making the person desire a small family only.
Another important factor is the child’s gender. This is a personal preference of each parent. However, until recently, it used to be very important that there is a son born in a family. Many spouses would keep trying until they have a baby boy.
Moms vs. Dads
As the mother is the one who will bear a child, she is the one who ultimately makes decisions about the number of children. This is the case in most families. Mothers usually base these decisions on emotions, whereas fathers tend to think more practically. They worry about finances more than females, according to researches.
When it comes to men, there is another factor when it comes to planning another child. That is the pregnancy itself which affects women in many different ways — but also affects men. The hormonal and other changes the woman goes through while pregnant, influence the life of their husbands as well.
What also may influence the size of a family, are memories of your own mother and father. More specifically — who spent most time raising you and your siblings. “I remember that my mother spent most of the time raising us, while my father was often absent from home and working. My mother had to do almost everything by herself and it was hard on her” — says a mother of one child. If your mother was the one mostly involved in your everyday life, school, activities etc, then you, being a woman, will most likely desire a smaller family.
The expert counselors and psychologists advise that the best decision is the one mutually made — both spouses want a certain number of kids and make a family according to the decision they made together. But, this ideal situation doesn’t happen that often. So, occasionally, spouses need to sit down and clearly express their opinions and if needed — bargain up.
The “Oops” Approach
Two women were talking about family and children. One of them expressed how she would like to have another child, to which she got a piece of advice to trick her husband by getting pregnant “by accident.”
This approach doesn’t prove to be a good one, as many couples actually divorced due to this. Spouses that weren’t part of the decision-making process, when such a big decision is in question, are often unable to get over it.
So, when making such a big decision — that concerns both partners in a relationship or marriage — you need to communicate. Talk about your own personal plans, what you want to do before having children and talk about how many kids you really want to have. Take into a consideration the future of children, their education, house space, and many other important things. Talk about who will work and who will stay at home. Consider hiring a nanny.
Most importantly, don’t trick each other into any kind of decision. Deception will sooner or later divide you. Plan your life together honestly, which will surely give you a great and successful marriage and a happy family.