|
|
|
|
Posted by TamChronin at 10:42:00 27/08/2004.
A/N: Thank you to both of the anon. reviewers I had here for the first chapter. I know one of you was my wonderful and talented and beautiful Maaya-sama. ~worships~ Well, both reviews rocked. Thank you. And, with that, here is another chapter to gnaw on. ~waves~
Speed of Pain To this day I don't remember how I got to the hospital. Everything was a panicked blank from the time I heard he'd been hit until the time I walked into the lobby. I demanded to know where he was, but when I heard the words "operating room" I felt like I was going to collapse. I don't know who kept me upright, but I think I felt more than one pair of hands supporting me. We were escorted to a private waiting room, because the vultures had gathered. No, usually I have an easier relationship with reporters, but right now I couldn't do it. I couldn't calmly stand there and tell them what I wanted them to hear. I couldn't even say the simple truth because I did not know what that truth was. It was Tohma who said, "Don't worry about them, Eiri-san. Everything's under control." I let him guide me around like a child again, and I wondered if I'd fall apart on him like I did back then. It's funny how a mind can casually wonder things like that when your world is falling apart. The room was already occupied when we walked in. I recognized the two other members of Bad Luck right away, though Fujisaki and I had never spoken at all. Hiro--I couldn't remember his family name, since all I'd heard from Shuichi was "Hiro" this and "Hiro" that--was talking to two ladies I didn't recognize, though I thought I should. They looked vaguely familiar. When the older one turned to me though, that's when I realized. "Yuki-san," she said with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. So much different from the first time we'd met, when I'd dazzled her in an instant and told her that she had nothing to fear while I watched over her baby boy...the same baby boy I'd forced myself onto only hours before. I opened my mouth to say hello, but no sound came out. It was okay to her though. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me and held me the same way I remember my own mother once held me. "I should be in there," I said in a rough voice, and only then did I realize how close to tears I was. Me. I never cried. I'd gone for years without crying or feeling the slightest urge to before-- --before Shuichi entered my life. "No, the doctors said we can't see him until they're finished. I--" I cut his mother off with a curt shake of the head. "No. I mean instead of him. I should be the one, not--" But she was shushing me and rocking me back and forth despite how much taller I was than her. It must have been a motherly thing. One of those motherly instincts that never leave, no matter who you're mothering. I'd have to remember that and write it into a novel some time. I was doing it again. Disassociating. It was something my therapist had said, about dealing with trauma. "The brain is an amazing thing," she'd said. "It can find ways to deal with something too terrible to think about. They're all only quick fixes though. In your case, your mind's quick fix is to disassociate yourself from what you've suffered. It's a common coping mechanism, and it seems you've found an outlet through your creativity, but eventually you do have to face it and incorporate what you've been through into your consciousness." She'd gone on a while longer about how my writing served as a further part of that coping mechanism, and how I should be proud to have found something to help myself like that, but that it was not quite enough for what my mind needed to heal. I thought that was obvious or I wouldn't have been seeing her, but I didn't say anything. The way she said it was interesting, and I asked her to recommend some books on it. Somehow the concept had worked its way into my next novel. (Can't imagine how that happened.) "Eiri, don't you dare talk like that!" I cringed at the sharp voice a moment before I could collect myself and pull away from Shuichi's mother. "Mikarin," I murmured, regressing to what I'd called her as a small child. "Don't try to get out of a lecture that way, Eiri. You--" She stopped, mid-rant, and I closed my eyes. I hadn't called my sister by that name since before Tohma took me to New York. Right now I couldn't handle the look of realization in her eyes. It would make me think of that, and right now I couldn't handle that pain on top of this pain. The room fell completely silent. Hysterical deafness? Stop being a hypochondriac, I chided myself. I could hear background noises. Everyone had just picked up on the fact that I was breaking down before their eyes. Really, they shouldn't have been so surprised. Someone guided me to a chair, and I sat with my knees meeting my elbows so I could prop my face in my hands. "Mika, not right now." This time my words seemed to have the effect of unfreezing time for all those within the room. It was almost amusing how they all took a breath at the same time, and a moment later there were hushed murmurs. I didn't pay attention to any of them. The words washed over me and through me and I didn't pay a bit of attention. "I'm not fragile. I'm not about to fucking break." It was a lie, but when I opened my eyes and saw my sister staring back at me I saw her nod and accept what I'd said. Why didn't she realize that I knew she was humoring me? If she really thought I was fine, she'd be yelling at me. About something. About anything. That's who she was. But she was just accepting whatever I said, because she knew I was lying-- I felt a hand on my back, and I looked up to see Tohma hovering over me, looking concerned but otherwise the same as always. "It's okay, Eiri. I think I'd break if it were...." He trailed off, looking into space, and I was happy for his silence. I didn't bother thinking about what would have come at the end of his truncated sentence. I just leaned back and stared at the ceiling and was grateful for his support, no matter what else might be behind it. But God, I needed a cigarette. I stood up and started pacing, the room seeming stronger every time I turned around. A few other people made it into the "inner sanctum" as I began to think of it, and each of them dealt with waiting differently. More than half of them were people that were or were practically family to me. Mika and Tohma, of course. Noriko. The infamous K and Sakano...though I didn't know him quite as well. But, I'd grown up around Nittle Grasper, and had long lost any feelings of awe for any of these people that so many people in the "adoring public" seemed to have. Even before I'd had a name of my own, they were just people I knew. Tohma had been just that guy my sister would marry.... Tatsuha, my little brother, had shown up after a while. I glared at him, he grinned at me, and it felt like a little bit of balance had been restored in the world. It was after that though-- I shouldn't have been surprised. It was bound to happen. I just hadn't expected it. Ryuichi swung the door open intently, and filled the room with his presence. There was no other way to put it. He didn't even realize it, but the sun doesn't realize it has the solar system in its grip either. It was just an immutable fact of nature. Another immutable fact of nature was that his appearance had Tatsuha tripping over himself and drooling at the sight of his idol. I thought I'd needed a cigarette before--now I was willing to strangle an entire mob of reporters to be able to get out of this room and have a smoke. "I'm leaving," I grumbled, pulling out the pack of cigarettes even as I walked to the door. "I'll join you," someone said, and I ignored whoever it was. I didn't particularly care either way. I was walking toward the front lobby when a hand grasped my arm and held me back. "Upstairs, on the roof. There's a smoking area up there anyway." I looked at Hiro and blinked. I should have thought of that. I was an idiot not to. Yes, I avoided hospitals at all costs, but the last time I'd been admitted, that was where I'd gone to smoke. So why hadn't I thought of that? It was an uncomfortably silent elevator ride to the top of the building. He knew exactly where he was going, and I wondered why. When we got to the top floor he just walked to the door of the stairs and pushed it open. There was an awning to stand under, and an ashtray. We were safe from the rain at least, though the air was a little cold. I didn't care though. We lit our cigarettes at the same time, not really looking at each other, just staring out at the rain. I was perfectly happy with silence, and for a time I thought he would be as well. "You okay?" he finally asked. "Not really." There was no point in saying otherwise, even though I was managing not to look any different from my usual stoic façade. "Me either." There was more silence, and then I put out my cigarette and just stared off into space, inhaling the clean scent of the rain. "That room is too small for so many people," I finally commented, as he fished for a new cigarette. "It's almost suffocating in there. Coworkers and people I don't even know. Is that kid with the black hair that looks like you from your family?" "My little brother," I said. Another smoke was sounding good. "He almost molested Shuichi the first time they met. Remind me to kill him when we get back in there." Hiro laughed slightly, and that eased my frayed nerves a little. It wasn't the end of the world if I was up here with Shuichi's best friend, almost talking like civilized people. Sharing a stupid joke and a little laugh. I could almost believe we were somewhere else and just stuck in the rain with nowhere else to smoke. This could be normal, if-- A guy walked through the door, writing things down on a small notepad intently. I thought I recognized him, but even if I hadn't I'd know he was a reporter right away. He looked up and I saw the hungry look in his eyes as he recognized us both. "No comment," the two of us said in unison, putting out our half finished cigarettes and walking past him to the door. "Wait--I thought you'd like to know." I kept walking, but Hiro stopped and looked back. "What's that?" I heard him ask. "You must have missed it. They just told everyone that he's out of the OR." I froze and then turned. Hiro and I exchanged glances and took off running down the stairs. We didn't bother leaving the stairwell to get to the elevators. I think I would have gone insane if I'd had to wait for one, even if running down the stairs took longer than riding the elevator would have. At least I was doing something. I was active. I was panting and about to die by the time we ran back into the private room. Shocked stares met us as we entered, including a pair of glittering black eyes I had never seen before in my life. The man wore the typical uniform of a doctor, holding a clipboard and wearing a weary and guarded expression. "Ah, yes. I was just telling everyone here that Shindou-san has been taken out of the operating room and--" That's when I threw him up against the nearest wall, pinned by the shoulders of his white lab coat. "Yes. Why the fuck did I, of all people, just hear that news from a goddamn reporter?" From the corner of my eye I saw Tohma walk up to us, and he placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I refused to be placated, though I was a bit disarmed by the smile on my brother-in-law's face. "Fujita-sensei, meet Yuki Eiri," he said pleasantly. I wasn't fooled--that was the smile that he wore when he was about to kick little old ladies or steal candy from crying babies...Tohma always smiled when he was about to rip your guts out and feed them to you. I didn't relax my hold on the good doctor. "That is a very good question. Why would a reporter have known about this before friends and family gathered here?" Heads were going to roll.
|
| Search CLAMPesque: |