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Posted by Anonymous at 17:52:41 24/11/2002.
Note: This is a metafiction work of parody and satire. Please do not take offence - you're welcome to write another part, if you wish to rebut some of the things I wrote.
All similarity between characters here portrayed and persons living and blogging is fully non-coincidental and for purposes of comedy.
Some characters and situations borrowed from Clamp and WarnerBros, others belong to themselves. Full disclaimers at the end.
Dedicated to "Darth Violeta", for a lot of input.
THE GRAND GUIGNOL
A Sordid Tale of Blood and Mystery!
Entailing the Goings-on of the Fandom Mafia of X
(Also a roman a clef of the X fandom, for purposes of entertaining and inciting laughter)
By A.Lady
Sometimes, life is good.
Trite, I know, but it was the only thing that came to me as I leaned back in the cream leather seat. I couldn't help but grin at the wind in my hair, the soft purr of the car's engine - and of course the wicked smile of the multi-millionaire behind the wheel.
Okay, you try riding shotgun in a brand-new silver Porsche Carrera GT convertible with Lex Luthor and see if your brain doesn't turn to mush.
"Don't drool on my new car," Lex admonished me with a smirk.
I muttered something about keeping his eyes on the bloody road and leaned against his shoulder, taking in the sensations. The blurs of buildings passing us by far too fast, the feel of an expensive Armani suit under my cheek, the smell-
I sniffed suspiciously. "Lex, when did you switch colognes?"
"I talked to that one-eyed assassin friend of yours. If Drakkar Noir works on pretty, dark-haired, green eyed boys, who am I to argue?"
I snorted. "You do realize the most he and Subaru have going on at the moment is the whole mortal enemies thing?"
"Remind me again why I'm playing chauffeur for you."
"Because you're a big softie who can't stand to have a poor girl with a game leg use public transport. And because I agreed to be your date to the LexCorp annual ball, so you can watch Clark moon over Lana and Chloe while not looking totally desperate."
"Ah, I knew I must have an ulterior motive."
"Sure you do. By the way, I still think you should just arrange to be left alone with him after having had an accident with a can of whipped cream."
He gave me a quizzical look. "What is it with you fangirls and whipped cream?"
"Not fangirl, Fandom Mafia executive with Investigator privileges, if you will," I answered with a brilliant grin. Ah hell, a girl must get some mileage off of being a glorified bloodhound for when the big Donnas want to know who's to blame for half their troops sulking at the other half.
He shook his head. It looked like he wanted to comment on it, but fortunately we were almost by my block. I saw a familiar figure waiting by the gate of my house. Oh hell, Sandii looked like she was about to faint. And if it was something bad enough that she looked this upset and came to me for help - let's just say I didn't relish that perspective.
I attempted to exercise a graceful leap over the closed door of the convertible, which resulted in a muffled groan and sinking back into the seat as agonizing pain shot through my leg. Damn, should have been more careful with that Usenet Troll. I was worried I might be developing a linuxite infection.
Sandii waited patiently for Lex to go around the car and let me out, which made me think it couldn't be *that* bad. But the next words out of her mouth chilled me to the bone.
"Aoki's dead."
* * *
Twenty minutes later I was standing at the hospital with the still-distraught Sandii and a teary-eyed Carrie. No-one was surprised that Carrie was the one most affected by this development - after all, Seiichiro Aoki was her chosen subject, and as a card-carrying member of the Fandom Mafia, she had taken to her charge very much.
"I still can't believe someone could have done that," she said quietly, in a monotone voice that belied the shivers that shook her.
I wanted to help, maybe hug her, but I settled for stalking up to the duty desk.
"I'm an Investigator with the Fandom," I snapped out, satisfied at how even the partial name made the nurse's face go pale. "What can you tell me about Aoki Seiichiro?"
"Uh, DOA, he's been already taken away by the police-"
"Station."
She said the name and I grinned. I knew people there. Well, I knew people who knew people, anyway.
"C'mon, Carrie. Sandii, get word out to the Donnas about it - they'll want to know. Killing a Dragon's no peanuts. I'll start on the case straight away, top priority."
The young woman nodded. I was confident of her competence, which was a small blessing. She might have been new in our Mafia, but she was damned good at what she did.
As we left the hospital, I looked up. There was the sheerest of shadows on the edge of a nearby roof, and I knew exactly whose kekkai that was.
I left Karen alone to mourn.
* * *
I consider most cops to be somewhere between amoeba and snails on the evolutionary scale, but I'm willing to make an exception for the select few, and two of those are Kobayashi and Shigure. Mainly because they hate me, which is always entertaining.
"What brings you here?" Shigure asked as I swept into the station and perched on his desk. His partner just glared, and I blew him a kiss.
"The desire to look into your gorgeous eyes, of course." I took pity on the spluttering Kobayashi. "Murder victim, Seiichiro Aoki. I need to know all you've got."
Kobayashi upped the intensity of his glare. "This is internal information for now. You can read the press statement like everyone else."
I rolled my eyes. "He was important to our people, alright? L-sama'll be wanting this info."
A little-known fact is that Kobayashi and Shigure are protégés of the chief Donna of the X Fandom Mafia. It's not something you want to advertise. But I've had my run-ins with them before.
"Prove it," Shigure challenged me.
I sighed, took out my cellphone and hit a speed-dial combination. "L-sama? I'm at the police station and-"
Ooops. I forgot that this was my work phone, customized by L-sama herself. I was reminded of that fact when it electrified, sending painful shocks through me.
"Don't-" L hissed into the phone as a shock shook me, "-call me-" another shock made my hair stand on end "-sama!!!"
"Okay, okay, L-chan!" I choked out. The shocks stopped. "Sorry. Kobayashi and Shigure want your go-ahead on helping me with the Aoki case."
Mental note: find L-sama's cellphone electro-shock remote and blow it up.
I handed the phone to Kobayashi and watched with mild glee as his face fell gradually. He eventually turned it off and glared at me mutely.
Shigure sighed and picked up a file. "His secretary found him at ten this morning, that's two hours ago. Last time anyone saw him was nine, when he came in, said his hellos and locked himself in his office to revise an article. Immediate cause of death seems to be a knife through the heart, we'll have the autopsy results by evening, and yes, we know your e-mail. The weapon was left inside, a regular hunting knife like you can get in any hunting shop around the country. No fingerprints, but not wiped - presumably the killer wore gloves."
"Is that all?" I asked sweetly.
Shigure gave me the wounded-puppy eyes that he's so good at. "There was a note typed on Aoki's computer. It said, Death to boring people, followed by five exclamation marks and signed 'The Wicked Witch of the X'. No fingerprints apart from Aoki's on the keyboard, but his were smudged by what seemed like a velvet cloth."
"Thank you, now that wasn't so hard, was it?" I turned to leave, but not before firing a parting shot. "Kobayashi, you do know that if this was a TV show, the fanfic writers would have you and Shigure screwing each other's brains out ages ago?"
His fit of coughing was music to my ears.
Outside the station I quickly relayed all I'd learned to Carrie, who was aghast at the news.
"Who could have done all that?" she asked.
"That's what I have to find out," I explained. "I need a list of suspects - who's the most probable person who comes to mind?"
She didn't hesitate, and the answer didn't surprise me. "Violeta."
I nodded thoughtfully. "Let's go."
* * *
Viole's not been terribly embroiled in the everyday goings-on since that thing with her leaving her post as Dean of the Clampesque Academy (and hadn't that been a fun event, her simply getting up and leaving in the middle of the annual formal Clampesque dinner, while Miss Blizzard froze in the middle of her pathos-filled speech), but she's still one of the best people to go to for the lowdown on someone in the Fandom. Or for long-winded, maudlin soliloquies about the degeneration of our society at large, but that's only on Fridays when she's had something to drink. Some people find her terrifying, but hey - I can do terrifying too, and Viole's just a fuzzy fluffy kitty anyway.
When we came by her mansion, she was just saying goodbye to a gaggle of youngsters I recognized as first-year Clampesque students. Even though she's not there formally, she's still a founding member, and I guess those girls look up to her a lot.
"Hi there, Obi-Wan Kenobi," I said, grinning. "You finished with dispensing sagely advice to the Grasshoppers yet?"
"Sure," Violeta said, shooing the kids out the door. "Hi Carrie - now isn't this a surprise..."
Carrie muttered something non-committal and hid behind me, just to make sure.
I nodded at the door. "They been bothering you for long?"
"Just all morning," Viole grinned. "I don't mind - they're so... precious."
We shared a knowing cackle that made Carrie cringe. I was glad Viole had an alibi - I didn't relish trying to bring her in; she's got clout, and an imagination even more twisted than mine sometimes.
"So you missed the big news - someone's gone and done in Aoki," I announced.
"Oh." She made a completely insincere sad face. "I'm *so* sorry."
"Yeah, right," Carrie muttered behind my back.
"Anyway, three guesses as to who got stuck tracking down the perpetrator, so we should get going right now..."
Viole nodded. "I've got something to do anyway."
A door opened and Fuuma stepped into the hallway. He was wearing a purple lame thong, a leopard-fur vest, and not much else.
I sweatdropped, and Carrie gagged.
Viole smiled a smug, smug smile. "Excuse me, someone to do."
"Are you coming to bed now, Violeta-sama?" Fuuma simpered up to her, sinking to his knees as she pulled on the golden chain around his throat.
I snickered. "We can let ourselves out, I think. Have fun, Viole!"
"Oh, I think I will..." she muttered as she pulled the Dragon of Earth back into the bedroom. I noticed their hairstyles matched (though her hair was of course purple, like her clothes, makeup, furniture and even the walls of the hall), and wondered whether I thought it cute or mildly creepy.
On our way out we took what was supposed to be a shortcut, and ended up in the middle of a war zone. Apparently Viole had decided the main hall wasn't purple enough and a gaggle of bishounen in shorts were renovating it, under the command and whip of Viole's Mindless Minion (TM), Timmy.
"Ryoma, you missed a spot!" she yelled, cracking her whip. "Momo, don't fool around, we're on a schedule here! Oh, hi, guys. What gives?"
"Just passing through, had some official matters we had to clear up with Viole," I explained. "Hey, cool slaves."
"Thanks, aren't they?" she giggled. "Some of those are Raye's, she left them with us when she went on her trip. I just wish they were better at home improvement... I was busy all morning, so we just started, and now I don't think we'll be finished by tomorrow!"
I grinned. "If Viole gets on your case, give me a call. I still have those Sailor Senshi in my cellar, I think."
"Okay, it's a deal." She gasped as she saw a brown-haired bishounen attempting to put paint on a flippy-haired one. "Fuji, Eiji, stop!" *crack* "That!" *crack* "At once!"
When we left the mansion, I turned to Carrie.
"Who else would have had a cause to kill Aoki?"
She thought for a moment. "I had a quarrel about him with Elaine recently. She mentioned she thought him boring."
"Elaine, the *artiste*? Man, you sure know how to pick them."
* * *
Elaine's loft didn't change much. The silken, sad, uncertain curtains were still black, the incense prevalent and the clutter cluttery. I paused for a moment in front of her Lestat shrine and made a mental note to ask her about the candles she had there; that black-and-red motif would look perfect by the Brandon Lee memorial in my bedroom.
Elaine didn't let us in; we found the door open. She was in the middle of the living room, standing in front of a half-finished canvas. Kamui posed for her by the open French window on a black leather sofa, dozing lightly.
"State your business and don't interrupt me needlessly," she ordered without looking at us.
"Chill, 'laine, 's me," I said. "Nice piece - how long have you been working on this one?"
"Oh, hi. Since seven this morning. Everyone's determined to break my concentration today. First Timmy came by to borrow my opera gloves, then the Anne Rice subdivision of the Homoeroticism!Nay Committee dropped in, so I had to chase them off, then Timmy called to say she needs to launder the gloves before returning them. I haven't had a moment of peace all day."
I grinned mirthlessly at Carrie. "There goes your theory, I'm afraid."
"What theory?" Elaine asked absentmindedly.
I never got to answer.
First we noted the flash of light outside, then the windows shook as the sound wave passed us. Running to the open window, we crowded in the small space. Two buildings that should have completed the city skyline weren't there.
Clampesque Academy and the Dreams of Sakura club.
"Dragons of Earth?" Carrie wondered.
"Lessee..." I went over the list quickly. "Fuuma's at Viole's, doing gods know what, Seishirou borrowed my summer retreat to get a weekend alone with Subaru, Nataku's on a kindergarten field trip, Yuuto doesn't get off work until five, Satsuki can't have possibly finished Morrowind yet, and the other two don't do kekkai demolition. So no."
Kamui, who'd been woken up by the blast, seemed to relax as I came to that conclusion. I took a moment to ruffle his hair as I rushed out of the loft.
"This is something bigger!" I called out over my shoulder. "You two stay here and keep safe. I'll call when I get to the bottom of this."
As I took off to the rooftops in the direction of Clampesque Academy, I couldn't help but feel I've just missed something important that I should have put together.
* * *
Clampesque was a ruin. Fortunately it was lunch break, and everyone had been in the court enjoying the cherry blossoms, but all campus buildings would require several months of rebuilding.
Phoenix, the Headmistress, was coldly furious under a facade of calmness as she ordered her disciples around, directing them to save what could still be saved.
"No, *Investigator*, we didn't see anything suspicious," she said. "The fire alarm sounded about five minutes before the explosion, and no-one was hurt."
"Do you think it was an accident?"
"I don't know. We've already called the police, they'll gather the forensic evidence."
I nodded and opened my mouth to ask another question when my cellphone beeped.
"E.C.J. speaking," I said as I took the call.
"You know?"
Two words, sharp and clipped, and I'd know that voice anywhere. My superior, one of the First Triumvirate of the Fandom, owner of far too many silver pendants and arguably the most feared person in the city.
Mistress T.
"I'm at 'esque now," I answered. "Explosion, hypothesis: artificial. Zero body damage, major structural."
"*I'm* at Dreams. The proprietress has been injured."
"Gods - Allie." Lady and mistress of the Dreams of Sakura, one of the people you always thought would *be* there, never changing. Hell, I'm old enough to remember when Clampesque was just a glint in Phoenix' and Viole's eyes, but the Dreams... A bloody fixture, that's what it was. "I'll get them."
"You'd better. Out."
Ten seconds later, after assuring that L-sama's pet cops would be the ones handling the case, I was out of there.
* * *
I eyeballed the building in front of me, checking for surreptitious cauldrons of burning oil and the like. Fandom sisterhood's all fine and dandy, but I and the Shiki Sisters give a whole new meaning to "dysfunctional family". And that's putting it mildly - last time I saw them, I had to forcibly detach two of them from my throat. That kind of outweighs their propensity for accumulating fandom gossip in my humble opinion.
I pulled myself together and rang the doorbell. I was in luck - Mad Moll opened the door. Despite her nick, she's actually the sane one, which is more than I can say about the other two.
"Hi there," I said cheerfully. "I'm here about the recent shake-ups in the city. You heard about the Dreams of Sakura club and Clampesque Academy?"
"Sure."
"Any ideas about who might have done it?"
She shook her head, but before she could speak, a hand fell on her arm.
"Molly, Molly, Molly," an indulging voice muttered. "What did I tell ya 'bout dat *vile*, *despicable* waste of space right here?" Shellby was wearing a particularly disgruntled expression.
"Dat she end up in concrete overshoes at de bottom of de river," Kiran chuckled. It wasn't a nice chuckle.
Oh *goodie*. Shellby the Clam and Killer Kiran, both resplendent in matching pinstriped suits and fedoras. But it was the boning knives that I was concerned with.
"Last time you two pronounced me a piece of gutter trash not worthy of your attention," I pointed out with a wide smile. "What gives the me the honor of your speaking to me?"
"None of yer fancy talk, *Investigator*," Kiran snapped. "Ya won't fool *us*."
"What*ever*, sugar," I snorted. "Mistress T wants to find out who blew up Clampesque and DoS. Really, really wants. You know something, you got my number. See you in never."
Amazingly, I managed to hobble away before what I said penetrated their brains. But I knew I'd have to double-check the underside of any vehicles I used for the next few months. Ah well, danger adds a spice to life.
* * *
I was finally at the place where I should have headed first. But the person I was about to see was someone that not many people were comfortable talking about.
The code for the penthouse elevator of the Otakan Industries building hadn't been changed, and when I reached the top floor I wasn't surprised to see Ysabel waiting for me.
"You're here to find out what's going on," she said. It wasn't a question.
I shrugged and helped myself to the bar. Ysabel makes it a point to have a full stock at any time, and she never touches that twenty-year-old Lagavulin anyway, so no sense in letting it go to waste.
"Some of the measures this group has taken have been... excessive," she continued.
Group? Interesting. "You need better security here, Ys," I said, changing the subject. "Half the Fandom still wants you dead, you know."
She gave me a wry half-smile. "I trust you to learn of their intentions first, and stop them."
I bowed. "I do my best, but I still have this pesky Investigator day job, which means that Mistress T will go over me with a steamroller if I don't produce results, soon. You were saying, about that group?"
She handed me a folder without further comment, and indicated that I was being dismissed. On my way down I started to flick through the file.
And promptly froze.
Holy shit-
-so it was them all along?
I shook my head. Didn't that just take the cake...
As I exited Otakan Industries, I was so engrossed in the file that I almost didn't notice someone standing in my way. Timmy caught me before I could run straight into her.
"Oh," I said weakly. "Hi again." I schooled my face into careful blankness.
"I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but Raye's just got back into town, and me and Viole are taking her out for coffee. Want to come?"
"Sure, I never turn down coffee. And I can't wait to find out if she managed to kidnap some of those boys like she threatened to," I nodded, and crossed my fingers behind my back, hoping that none of them would think to take a look at the papers I was reading.
Some hours later I realized I'd never look at a coffee meeting the same way again.
* * *
Afterwards, when I knew what had happened, things moved at a much faster rate.
The next evening, after a few follow-up visits and rattling a few cages - and hadn't that been fun, especially when I dug through the remains of Miss Blizzard's office closet; she'd never seemed like a leather type to me before - I was waiting for the start of a rare thing: an all-Fandom Mafia meeting.
You see, business here is done usually on a one-to-one basis, rarely more than five people together. But this was too bloody big, and now we were gathered in the Great Hall of Clamp Campus (graciously lent to us by Nokoru when I promised to kidnap Suoh for him so that he could turn the tables on the blue-haired ninja), with L-sama at the head of the table, accompanied by the khaki-clad Mistress T. By their sides sat Phoenix and the bandaged-up Allie, and further down the hall others gathered. Newbies gathered in nervous clusters and seasoned veterans surveyed the assembled Fandom. In shadowed corners artists lurked, taking the opportunity to sketch from life the Donnas and line soldiers alike. I saw Blossom taking what appeared to be notes for her thesis, and made a mental note to ask later how her doctorate was going.
Raye came up to me. "Everything okay?"
"Sure, A-OK here," I grinned. "But I'm not talking to you because you didn't kidnap me a schoolboy."
She frowned at me. "You didn't tell me you wanted one."
"Oh, but they're sooo decorative..." I whined. "And I've a lot of rich friends who like underage boys, I could probably trade him in for a Jaguar or something."
That broke it - Raye dissolved into a fit of giggles. I smirked and guided her to her chair, then looked around.
They were all here. Miss Blizzard, darting small glances to see if someone was looking at her the wrong way. Violeta, with Timmy by her side. Carrie, with a black armband. The Shiki Sisters. May the recluse. GoldBreeze from the IYF. The Kid, for once not doodling on her sketch pad. Ysabel, carefully ignoring the murderous looks sent her way. And dozens of others.
I came up to the foot of the table and waited for silence.
"Yesterday, three grave crimes were committed," I intoned. "Seiichiro Aoki, a Dragon, was murdered. Clampesque Academy was reduced to ruins. And so was the Dreams of Sakura.
"I now know who is behind those atrocities!"
I pointed an accusing finger. "Timmy cornered Aoki yesterday morning and stabbed him; she wore gloves to disguise her fingerprints."
Violeta shook her head. "I don't believe it... Timmy, so you're that Wicked Witch of the X? How could you?"
Mistress T noted the way I'd worded it. "And the explosions?"
I took out a copy of the police report. "No traces of gas or explosives were discovered. However, with the help of Seishirou Sakurazuka, I was able to detect traces of a collapsed kekkai at both sites. Both had been broken by the Dark Kamui."
"Then it's just the Promised Day approaching?" Miss Blizzard asked. "In that case, we shouldn't get involved."
"But he did not do it because it was foreordained," I explained. "He was forced to do it under duress."
"Excuse me?" Viole demanded. "Are we talking about the all-powerful Dragon of Earth here? How could someone force him to do something?"
I picked up the folder I'd received from Ysabel. "By threatening to show Kamui pictorial evidence of his dalliances with Kakyou."
Gasps sounded around the table.
"And you know that perfectly, Violeta. Because there is only one person here who wants to bring down the X Fandom, one piece at a time. And you are the one!"
With one swift move she jumped up to the table, drawing out a Tommy gun from the confines of her cape. "Yes! Yes, I did! I'm the Wicked Witch of the X! And you're all going to dieeeeee!"
She fired a salvo in the direction of some newbies, scattering them. Then she ran to my end of the table and pointed the gun between my eyes.
Uh-oh.
"Take down the local kekkai, or she gets it!" Viole screamed.
Fortunately Phoenix had the presence of mind to do just that. Viole teleported out with a goodbye salvo of bullets, and I fell out of my chair.
Raye was by my side in an instant. "Are you alright? Oh, stupid question... make way, people, she needs some air!"
As she half-led, half-carried me out, Mistress T stopped us. "E.C.J., I want you to know that the Special Troops are taking over this case. Violeta's armed and dangerous, and we'll stop at nothing to bring her down."
I nodded mutely.
* * *
Raye's limousine was waiting in front of the building, and we got in, joining two people who were already here.
I glared at one of the occupants of the car. "You do know you're a wanted woman now?"
She grinned. "It was worth it. While everyone was looking at us, my dear minion swiped the complete accounting files of the X Fandom Mafia right from under Mistress T's nose. No-one can stop us now!"
The aforementioned minion grinned as well and handed glasses of champagne to me and Raye. "Care to propose a toast?"
I still frowned. "And now what?"
"We have the minute details of all their schemes in the city," the woman in front of me beamed. "They can't touch us - and will have to do as we say, or face a long stretch in jail."
"You know, that was the first time I was offered fandom domination over coffee." I shook my head, then raised my glass. "To success."
Viole and Timmy raised their glasses, and we drank. Good vintage, too.
Sometimes, life is good.
~THE END~
Death threats directed at the usual address please. Cases of Lagavulin also, because I adore that stuff (and yes, I've had the pleasure of drinking from a bottle of it that was older than me).
Kobayashi and Shigure belong to L-sama, who was kind enough to lend them to me. A Tommy gun is Thompson Submachine gun, weapon of choice for Prohibition-era gangsters. Do I have to explain "concrete overshoes"?
As a side note, here's a little challenge for you all: can you name all the real people featured here? Hint: all pseudonyms have been worked out off their handles, names, or related matters
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